A Father's Only Regret

Gathering Toddy

The Importance of Fathers

A recent article in the Deseret News on the challenges boys are no facing in society entitled: "The war on boys: Young men are losing ground in education, emotional health and jobs" reminded me of a life changing experience I had about 40 years ago.  At the time I was coaching high school football at Weber High School and later at North Sanpete High School.  My former football coach at Snow College, Robert Stoddard invited me and a few other high school coaches be part of the coaching staff at his annual football camps.

Each year a high profile coach or player were invited to participate at the camp to serve as a major drawing card to encourage high school athletes to enroll in the camp. One of the high profile coaches was a very successful head coach from the National Football League (NFL).  He had also been highly successful as a local college coach.  In addition, he was a much sought after trainer for businesses and corporations; teaching Dale Carnagies, "Positive Thinking and Goal Setting" workshops.  He was paid thousands of dollars to conduct these workshop.  His ability to inspire and motivate others was extraordinary.

When greeting us each day, he would often repeat: "Today in every way I am going to get a little bit better".  One of the motivational stories he used was of Floyd Little, the NFL Hall of Fame running back, who played for the Denver Broncos.  Each time the play called for him to carry the football, he would repeat to himself, "This is the last time I will ever carry the ball, how do I want to be remembered".  This strategy was the way he prepared mentally to give 100 percent effort each time he carried the ball.

At the football camp all the coaches stayed in the same Snow College dormitory.  The visiting NFL coach told us he normally only need a few hours sleep, so for five straight days he would talk with us for hours, teaching us how to be better coaches and more successful in coaching and our professional careers.  Many of the stories and teaching techniques he used in corporate training were shared with us during these informal sessions.

Nearly every goal he set as a young man and in his coaching career had been achieved.  During one of the sessions as he talked with us during the wee hours of the morning, almost as an after thought and with some sorrow in his voice - he quietly reflected:

"I only have one regret, my children have grown up and I don't know them".  This statement had a very powerful impact on my life.  By every standard and measure of the world, in sports and corporate America, he was be considered highly successful.  But in the one area, which is of most importance, he had failed - that of being a successful father. 

I reflected on the word of President McKay, "No success can compensate for failure in the home".  As a result, I recommitted my self to spend more quality time with our children. Though not perfect, I have sincerely tried.  In fairness to the former coach, he said even though his children were now in their 20's, he was trying to spend more time with each one to develop a meaningful father-son and father-daughter relationship.

Now back to the Salt Lake City newspaper article, it discussed how men are essential to the healthy development of boys.  Forty percent of the births in the United States are out of wedlock.   Currently, 'one of every three' homes are without fathers and there are also fewer male role models for boys in the schools.  A father's absence greatly increases odds of boys being involved in criminal activity, drug abuse, and belonging to gangs. 

Boys with fathers in the home starting school are six months ahead in personal and social development than those without fathers in the home.  Time with dad is the primary factor in children developing empathy as adults.  The involvement of a father significantly reduces the number of boys that will need ADHD medication and professional help for behavioral and emotional problems, including depression. A father's presence significantly improves a boy's school performance.

Kiribati father teaching son a traditional dance

The article goes on to say dad's tend to encourage children to solve problems on their own, which increases a child's ability to focus, be attentive, and achieve goals.  It also helps with impulse control and memory and both boys and girls ability to effectively respond to new and ambiguous situations.

Fishing with a son is a great way to build positive relationships and great memories

The First Presidencies release of "A Family Proclamation to the World" http://www.lds.org/family/proclamation?lang=eng was an inspired response to this crisis.  President Gordon B. Hinckley was very direct in speaking to young men about the critical need to go and missions, attend post secondary schooling, and to not delay getting married and starting families.

How about a little B-Ball